I have came to believe that everyone has a “growth range“, and within this range, there are several “crises“, as Eric Erickson put it, splitting the entire range into smaller sections; one has to pass through a crisis to move on to the next section. But it’s not as simple as so; our “growth rate” decreases as we proceed, which means we move slower and slower each day.
What I am feeling now is that there is a wall right in front of me, and I can’t find no way to get through it. It is too high to be jumped or climbed over, and I am constrained within this path, by no one but the socially constructed mind of mine. After living for years without any reference group, finally I am in trouble. I looked up to him, the one I always refer to as my teacher, hoping for some clues, but he has been dead for years, and will never answer my questions.
There is something about life that the more you attempt to understand, the more you get confused, and your life screwed up. I have noticed this fact for long, but being able to predict it does no help in any way if one is not able to prevent it. So now I am wondering in this aimless state, waiting for the chance to come when I can eventually solve this very crisis I am facing now.
What it is about, you ask? It is about recognizing that this world is but a boring place. It is about recognizing who I am and that it will never change however hard I try; it will revert back whenever a stress factor is present. Yes, it is about being smart enough to see something and therefore wishing to see the entire picture, but is unfortunately not smart enough to do so, thus falling into confusion.
You are right, if you assumed that I have passed through states similar to this one. Seriously, according to my experience, there are little things, if any, I can do now. After all we don’t save our own souls; we save each others. Therefore, like I said, I am waiting for the chance to emerge out of the surface. Of what, you ask? Of total darkness.
That guy who talked about the development of identity but was largely criticized simply because he did not get the ages right, you know who? I can’t recall his name, but I think his theory makes sense. Seriously, we go through this process again and again in our lives, just like going through “high-time” and “low-time”, gaining an identity and then losing it again, and then setting off for a journey, searching for a new identity, yet again.
I had dreams, and they all shattered when I was on my ways attempting to reach them. I used to think I understand something, but now I have learned so much that my knowledge sort of cancel off each other leaving nothing in my skull. I have long known that learning can be a destructive process, but there is no way for me to prevent it from happening.
The fact is that, learning about ourselves is the most devastating lesson ever. The more you know about yourselves, the more you feel like evaporating into thin air. The feeling of powerless, and knowing that many saw what you did but did nothing about it, or rather, like you, they can’t do anything about. Questions emerge out of the surface. Of what, you ask? Of darkness. Beware of darkness.
Among all, there is one particular question that haunt me the most: should I just give up and lead my life the easy but happy path? Or should I attempt to overcome all these non-existing barriers, following the path without knowing to where it leads? I wonder. But I am certain that wherever it leads to, that place is nothing like heaven. That’s why some people choose to commit suicide. It’s a shortcut to heaven.
Let me pray, to no one but myself, that I will find an easy way to go through all these crises ahead, waiting for their turns to torture me. Hopefully I will find a way to non-existence, and at that time, I no longer have to suffer. There, the path will eventually lead me to Dukkha Nirodha Gamini Patipada; to a state where no more harm will be sensed, where no more happiness will be needed.
Should that day comes, I will be here waiting for it.
JyyerGC
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